the TM

the future is now

2006-11-16T22:23:00.000Z

wHat i DiD on Me holedays
by Little Jimmy Foster (aged 1 and a half)(ish)

My dad and mum made me get up at 5:30 and do running for SEVEN MILES before i was allowed my Kelloggs No Fat No Sugar Choc All Bran. I then had an apple and then i had to go to my language lessons. I am learning classical Greek, which is where they send yogurt from but mummy says i'm not allowed it cos it's got all fat in it and despite the fact that I'm only 18 months old I should really not be eating more than 1 gram of fat a day as part of my 6 calorie daily intake.
then I went running again as i'd eaten a carrot stick without asking. this skewed my GI index or something and would make me hyperactive so i had to do skipping rope too.
after my lunch of tofu and beansprouts i had to register at the Gubberment silo and tell the nice man behind the bullet-proof plexiglass about how much mummy and daddy love me. I told them that i eat five portions of fruit and vengetables a day and run and skip and jump and have a lovely time while my dna is being extracted at nursery school so they can have special doors that only let us KOOL KIDZ who allow our DNA to be taken into the building. all the other SADD KIDDZ get left out because their mums and daddys are criminals who have things to hide because they don't let their children get scanned or registered. the governemtnt man who came to see us said that because of them we couldn't have new toys this year and if we all tried really hard to get the BAD
boys and Girls to register that we could all get a Super Gameboy PS360 each and be allowed to have a tour around the houses of parliament to see a nice man called tony who is like father chrimstas.
we then went to the seaside where i had ice cream made from a really KOOL thing called Nanotechnology and GM modified animal fat what is part of the govermnent's way of keeping SCIENCE and KOOL stuff like that
alive in the UK. they need our money to stop an man called TREVOR ISTS and his WEMBLEY STADIUMS of MASS CONSTRUCTION DELAYED UNTIL 2015.

(etc)

I will survive (but he didn't)

2006-05-05T15:59:00.000Z

1:
First you were in jail
You were kept inside
Doing anything from eighteen months
Right up to life
But your lawyers spent their nights
Proving how you did no wrong
And got you sprung
And now you've vanished on the run

Ch:
Will you come back?
I think we knew
That you'd vanish when we said we were deporting you
We should have put you in the dock
We should have thrown away the key
Cos now it seems you're in this country
Committing murder and robbery

(etc)

Pop news

2006-01-16T22:57:00.000Z

Reports are just coming in from U2 that Bono has been told off by his mum for standing too close to The Edge.

Cloning: Update

2006-01-10T23:28:00.000Z

Scientists from the world renowned Society for the Extension and Expansion of Scientific Knowledge And Wisdom Department University Awareness Campaign have today announced the results of their experiments to be the first to successfully clone an egg.

Speaking to our science reporter, R. Sciencereporter, Prof. S. Orr of the Group enthused: "Yay! We're the frickkin' best, us!"

Proof, as if you needed it, is featured below.

An eggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAnother egg

Gang of eleven

2006-01-06T13:07:00.000Z

We know that the intriguingly-named Liberal peer Lord Razzle is one of the people behind this "letter of no confidence" that is swishing around the Lib Dems at the moment, but what of the other ten?

Here, we exclusively reveal the names of Charlie Kennedy's nemeses:

Sir Glenfiddich
Mike Mineapint
Arthur Guinness
Nigel Swift-Halffe
Henry Bacardi
Ann Otheronefortheroad
Jim Andtonic
Helen Absinthe
Martine Nee
Jack Scrumpy

No wonder he's turned to the drink!

Conservation watch

2006-01-05T18:47:00.000Z

It's good to be green (unless you're the colour of my work-shirt today, which really isn't nice).

And with world-wide interest in saving the planet at an all time apathetic "pfft", it is great to see peoples' efforts really paying off in one particular area.

A small group of people are helping to save something that in itself is insignificant, but without it, we would all surely perish.

These folks - known as 'dieters' have taken a vow to cut down on their intake of 'calories'. This, they hope, will ensure that the calorie lives on and provides joy and delight to many more generations to come.

And indeed, the results of their work can be seen throughout the world. A trip to calorie haven "Tescos" will allow you to witness the continued spread of the calorie throughout everybody's lives. Thanks to the dedication of the dieters and their continuing fight to consume as few calories as possible, I have seen with my own eyes sandwiches filled with nearly 1,500 calories; desserts with over 2,000 calories per portion; snacks, treats and pies all designed to contain as many calories as possible. It seems that no matter how many calories people eat, yet more are produced.

Scientists speculate that an exponential growth in calories over the next five years will have a directly inverse effect on energy levels throughout the UK.

Which is, when you think about it, odd.
But, when you think about it, true.
Prof. S. Orr of the International Science Something Or Other Panel For The Dissemination Of Things Scientific Team told us, "As calories are spotted in more and more places around the UK, we are finding that the coverage of the common PS2 is also growing. As is the size of everyone's arses."

Congratulations Britain! Our land is swelling with pride - or is the pasties? - and calories are now more prevalent in the UK than ever!

Gas crisis: Resolved

2006-01-03T20:41:00.000Z

Market forces and increased global consumption being what they are, our ever-depleting reserves of natural gas have led scientists to discover something called "unnatural gas".

Whilst they have a process that will allow an infinite amount of unnatural gas to be created, the resulting product has the following disadvantages:

1. It decides whether or not to ignite.
2. It can, at will, change between being a solid, a liquid or a gas. Or something else which science has yet to explain.
3. It smells unnatural. But can have a pine-fresh scent added to disguise this.
4. It can talk. (And not in the nice, friendly British Gas adverts way).
5. For every BTU of unnatural gas used, a tiny piece of your soul is taken away from you.
6. When moving through gas pipes, the sound it makes is in a musical key somewhere near K#.
7. Chemically similar to Bolivian wine.
8. Has a half-life of 25,000 years.

Hopefully a number of these factors can be ironed out soon. And as long as the boffins work it out, we should have a source of cheap, if slightly menacing, energy for the future.

Vladimir Putin has already put in an order for his Comrades in the Ukraine.

Holiday Lore

2005-12-29T22:02:00.000Z

Back, back in the old days, this time of year was one of mystery. The pagan and religious significance of the lengthening of the days, shortening of the nights made for a time of great thankfulness and joy.

No day was more anticipated than the first of January.

The people would gather in hushed awe as they waited for the dawning of that day and the supposed arrival of a legendary figure, seen only once a year. Like Santa Claus, New Years Dave would come along and bring joy to thousands. However, unlike St. Nick, he did not come bearing gifts in the traditional sense.

Arriving just after 2:30am in a state that many historical commentators considered "merry", New Years Dave would stand and yell at the door of your house, your cat and your uncollected milk bottles. He would then proceed to pee up your wall, kick over your dustbin and sick-up on your doormat. All of this, it is speculated, would be accompanied by a mystical tune. Much like the "Auld Lang Syne" we sing today, it would have been filled with traditional cuss-words and threats of violence towards anyone who passed along the street.

The first householder in the area to offer New Years Dave a bed for the night just to get him to shut-up would be blessed by his appearance and thankfulness the following morning.

For only a full English breakfast, the use of the bathroom and directions to the nearest ale-house, New Years Dave would bid the family a fine day, leaving only a sock and his manly aroma impregnated upon the sofa for the rest of the year. This is believed to have brought good luck to the family and they would be excused from helping with New Years Dave's celebrations the next time he came along.

So, everyone, be on the look out for New Years Dave. He's on his way!

As this extract from Chaucer puts it:

And so can ye sense it in the air
Ye smell of vomite everywhere
Beckons forth with sentiment grave
The coming on of New Years Dave

Be he a spirit? Be he a devil?
Be he everso full with ale?
Be he shouting at your cat?
Be ye careful - step over ye doormat

For New Years Dave is here again
Cigarettes snaffled from round a drain
And things unmentionable in his beard
New Years Dave is to be feared

Let him not into your abode
Give him not your festive food
Hand him not a wassailing cup
And your daughters, keep lock-ed up.

Things you never see on the internet

2005-12-26T17:52:00.000Z

(click for detail)

Your guide to your Christmas chocs

2005-12-22T12:05:00.000Z

Roses:
Orange Mush: Thin chocolate shell containing hydrogenated vegetable oil and orange flavour chemicals
Strawberry Gak: With a filling discovered at the bottom of a pond, this sweet is encased in mercury-enriched SoyChoc
Hazelnut Reaction: Chocolate-style candy product with a nut-style additive.
Goldenish Barrel: Moist, whipped centre with a sparse covering of stuff
Praline Thing: Stuff. In stuff. Tastes a bit nutty. Like a mental squirrel.
Hedgerow fudge: Collected by immigrants and digested by weasels. This is their output.
Chunky Truffle: Chunks of lard with enriched with crispy surprises.

Quality Street:
Toffee Finger: Stick in mud
Toffee penny: Stone in mud
Coffee creme: Mud in different mud
White chocolate surprise: Last year's milk chocolate with that special "bloom" on it to make it white

Miniature Heroes:
Mr Little
Super Tiny Weeny Man
The Dot
Gnatwoman
Electron-Microsope-O
The Ultra Violet

Celebrations:
Mars: The bringer of war
Milky Way: Not as good as it used to be
Bounty: On the Mutiny
Falaffel Treat: Chick pea, onion and garlic goodness. Enrobed in chocolate. (Limited edition)

Safety advice for when you are out this Christmas

2005-12-19T18:13:00.000Z

* Personal safety:

- Always tell your mummy and daddy where you're going to be, who you're going to be with and whether or not you have clean pants on.

- Try to adapt your route home if there are alleyways or underpasses (unless you are running late, when places like Murder Alley are a perfectly sensible alternative).

- Don't limit your ability to sense trouble, ensure you are bitten by a radioactive spider so you can feel your spidey sense tingle when the bad guys are nearby.

- Consider taking pre-emptive measures, like always carrying napalm or a flame thrower.

* Personal Property

- Keep valuables such as mobile phones and laptops safely hidden whilst out. We suggest you carry a safe with you at all times.

- If you're going out for the night, take enough cash with you for the evening. And also for a plane ticket out of the European city you'll end up in once someone's drugged you and removed one of your kidneys.

* Drinking sensibly

- Never leave your drink unattended: There may be students about and they'll steal it from you.
- Never accept drinks from strangers. It may be snakebite and black.
- Or MD 20/20.
- If you feel unwell, you're a lightweight. Go find an alleyway to spew up in.
- If you fall asleep on the train, expect to have been cavity searched for explosives.

* Beating terrorism together

- Terrorism is a crime. Like not buying a TV licence or paying tax. If you have not done either of these things, you are a terrorist.

- Turn yourself in at the nearest police station. Everything you say/own will be used as evidence against you and it'll jolly serve you right.

- If you want a reduced sentence, turn informer. We'll give you money and a new identity. Just think - you could end up as Hugh Grant**. Or Bill Gates!**

* Safe travelling

- Never let a black cab cross your path.
- Sorry, we mean black cat.
- Always carry the number of a trusted minicab company. SEE OUR ADVERTISERS!!!
- If you are on your own in a minicab, people are looking at you and pointing because you are obviously sad and lonely.

**Some identities not currently available.

the chrisTMas issue

2005-12-16T20:08:00.000Z

chrisTMas issue
- issue 38 or thereabouts -

<-- this wide ------------------------------------------->
<-- use fixed width font like Courier New to view ------->

(c) 2005 Fairweather and Beeton Productions

permission is granted to send this on to your chums should
you so wish - but in its entirety. don't try and pull the
wool over their eyes by claiming that you wrote it cos you
didn't. and if we catch you doing it, we'll report you to
Teach and you'll be caned in front of the class. that's
caned as in "beaten" rather than "forced to take
psychotropic substances".
this issue, the "Christmas issue in 2 hours", was writ by
Alf Fairweather. it was a lonely old job, but I just had
to do it.

## introduction

And the Thingites cried out in their pain "Woe is us,
Lord, for we have not had mannah from TM Towers in such a
long while.
And the Lord spaketh and said, "You frickin' morons! 'Woe
is us?' What kind of English is that?" And the people
looked at their feet and mumbled about how it was simply a
dodgy translation from the original Aramaic. Or Greek. Or
whatever.
"Ok ok," spaketh the Lord. "As it's the panto season, I
grant you one wish. Like in Aladdin, but with not so many
goes."
And so the people mumbled a bit more and the Lord sighed
and demanded of them to speak up. And one of the braver
people there piped forth "Can we have a lamp to rub?" And
the Lord said, "What am I running here? Some kind of
fetish club?" And the red-faced one shrunk back into the
crowd (where he was soundly whipped) (which he enjoyed).
And after a while the Lord made sucking-teeth noises and
spoke thusly: "Get a bleedin' move on."
"Ok," said the crowd. "Give us a Thing Monthly for
Christmas."
So the Lord smiled upon them and said, "OK. But you're
only going to get it in text format. No pictures. Alf's
too busy."
But the people all beat their breasts and went "Awwwwwww!"
and made long faces.
So the Lord said, "Look just think of it as a very long
text message!"
And the people all cheered up and said "Gr8!"
And as if by magic, the shop keeper appeared.

## the shopkeeper

Awright geeeezah! Geez, howya doin'? Geez? Geeeez? 'Ay?
'Ay? Got yer sum luverly stuff here, matey boy. Nah two
ways abarht it. Look at 'em, 'ay? Wotdya fink? Bewdy, 'ay?
Bew-dee-fool. Special offer, Geez. Spesh-awl. For you,
like. Can't say fairer an' 'at, 'ay? 'Ad a good day? 'Ay?
I betcha missus loikes a bita these, 'ay? Them there, top
quality, mate, top quality. Good price I'll do ya. Ho yes.
You want sum morov them ones you 'ad last week, 'ay? I got
'em special in fors ya. I gottem 'ere, 'old on.
Oi! Kids! Faaack orf will ya? I'm tryin' to run a flamin'
bizniz 'ere and them faaackin' kids cum along an' take the
piss. I tell ya what look. I got these here, good quality,
just a bit over their date though. How's abaht I chuckem
in ya bag and charge ya a quid, ay? Laaarvley. Awright
then, geez, I'll let ya get on. Love to ya missus, 'ay?
Luvley girl, that. You got sah lucky wiv her you did.
Lucky man, 'ay? Lucky man.

## a celebrity writes
## Chris Langham

I tell you, if I was the sort of man who celebrated
things, I would, er, go and celebrate winning my award at
the comedy awards. However, I currently have a restraining
order and a curfew imposed on me, so I'm not really
allowed out of my house. Except to go to the local school.
Er, shops I mean. Shops. (We'll stop that now - Alf)

## 26 Things You Can Do With An Overdraft

1. Pay it off
2. Leave it to someone in your will
3. Ignore it.
4. YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE BARCLAYS, YOU BUNCH OF
FUCKING BASTARDS, YOU AND YOUR BANK CHARGES. Bastards.
5. And caaaaaalm.

## Little Jimmy Foster - The Voice of The Young
## he's controversial, he's forthright, he's 1-and-a-half

What my mummy and daddy don't appreciate is the fact that
as their only son and heir (especially now, after my older
sister drank all that vodka I mixed in with her Ready Brek
one morning and went to sleep to be with Jesus) is that if
I ask for a present for Christmas, THEN I JOLLY WELL
DESERVE IT. They sit there in my house simpering away
saying STUPID sayings like "But it costs a lot of money"
and "Your father's the only one earning now" and "Please
stop screaming, your mother's trying to recover from her
breakdown". Well WHO CARES!? Christmas is a time for
getting, so says Billy's older brother. He drives round in
a Nova car that has all cool lights underneath it and a
horn what's so loud it sets off other car alarms. He can
drive it really FAST and I said I wanted one so I can go
in it WHENEVER I LIKE. But dad said about us already
having a car but Billy's brother said it's a rubbish car
cos it's a diesel and they can't do a thing called
"accellerate for shit".
Billy's brother said my dad is an idiot and he should get
more money out of the social (whatever that is) cos then
he could get me a WELL COOL Burberry basecap ball. My dad
thinks he's funny cos he calls them "peaked caps" which I
think is meant to be an insult, but when I've got my
hoodie on, I pretend I can't hear him.
So I've made my list of stuff I'm going to get, and if I
don't then I've been told by one of my special invisible
friends that the dog is going to get very poorly.
I mentioned this to dad and he looked worried, but NOT
WORRIED ENOUGH. He'll rue the day he crisscrossed me.
I wish you all a merry Christmas, and if you don't
celebrate it in your household, then durrrrr, YOU GET FREE
PRESENTS YOU SPACKERS.

signed - LJF

## Facts
## The History of Film

* Film was invented by the Nazis in the second World War,
but the Americans bought the technology afterwards as
reparation.
* "Star Wars" was filmed on the other side of the film
reel used for Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". This is why
you often see Double Features of both films - they
simply thread the film in the other way round to get the
other film.
* Film is sensitive media and should be kept in a cool,
dry place away from bright lights and overpowering
smells
* Film uses bacteria to make the pictures. Hence the
expression "develop your pictures" is used as it is like
a human "developing pneumonia".
* The first motion picture ("Star Trek The Motion
Picture") has been analysed and is medically a "motion".
* Claims that Charlie Chaplin invented the penguin are
untrue. Harold Lloyd invented them 7 years before
Chaplin was first seen on screen.
* The first convincing CGI dinosaur can be seen in the
film "Dirty Harry" - it is played by Clint Eastwood.
* Whilst some claim the film "Event Horizon" is in league
with the devil, this is untrue. He only put up 5% of its
final cost. He was more an Executive Producer. However,
all Disney films ARE.
* Lindsay Lohan was digitally placed in the film "Herbie:
Fully Loaded" when they realised original star Goldie
Hawn wasn't working as the teenage lead. Despite the
botox.
* In the future, films will come on media like an LP which
will be called "Fine Image Laser Media Storage", or
"FILMS" for short!
* The Box Office is where boxes in grey suits go to work.

## back issues

If you require any back issues, there are a number of
options:

1. Sit in an awkward position for 12-hours straight.
2. Get a big strong fellow to punch you in the kidneys.
3. Land badly from a parachute jump.
4. Go to a really bad physiotherapist/osteopath.
5. Pick up a heavy box without bending at the knees.

** Update complete! ********************
**
** You must now restart your computer
**
** Click to:
**
** Restart Now
** Restart Later
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****************************************

## in and out
## lizz doesn't work here any more

######-IN-######
# Lost
# Top Gear
# The pig in all its forms
# Whisky
# Tomb Raider
# Friendliness
# Three-for-twos
# Kids

######-OUT-######
# Wrapping paper
# Greedy, self absorbtion
# Thanklessness
# Quosh
# War
# Lies
# Grey squirrels
# Tidying up before Xmas

## things george lucas should have called the prequels

1. This sucks, no really
2. Rich: Gettin' Richer
3. Not Listening
4. You'll go anyway
5. Attack of the critics
6. Cheap actors = Greater profit margin
7. Plastic Tat Generator
8. Money for old rope
9. You Know How In The Godfather Trilogy, The Prequel Was
The Shite One? Guess What..?
10. Joanna Lumley

## the jealous giraffes
## look at some nudie ladies
## (don't tell mat beal)

- Lucky git

(Like I said, No Pictures This Time - Alf)

## a celebrity writes
## boris johnson

What-ho! Pip-pop! Ding-dong! Tally-ho! Tee-hee! Toodle-
pip! Jolly good! Fa-la! Zing-zong! Mumble-wumble! Tiddly-
ping! Tra-la! Hi-de-ho! Flinky-doo! Herbly-flerbly!
Terribly confused. What? Oh! What ho!

## pam rhodes' thermometer of annoyance
## aggravated? then let us add to your "f" to your "ire"
## and "ury" and "fire your fury"*

10% - The moon
16% - Haribo
25% - Weebl and Bob, not as good as they used to be
36% - Grime
47% - People who rattle on about how cold it is... It's
DECEMBER you idiots! It's meant to be cold.
50% - Heisenberg's uncertainty principle**
65% - Microsoft Office
71% - That kid they've got on "Sky at Night" to do all
the "moving around" now Sir Patrick can't.
80% - British Telecom, the whining feck-brains.
87% - Time, who invented it and where the hell does it
all go?
93% - Idiot drivers. IDIOTS!
96% - Idiot Microsoft Office users
100% - Pam Rhodes

* No, that didn't ~quite~ work, did it?
** 1 x joke for the theoretical physicists among us.
Trust me, they'll love it.

## the wisdom of the old

The old are meant to be wise, yes? People will sit and say
things like "Oooh, listen to Old Mister Gribbins, he's
very wise!" But most of the things Old Mister Gribbins
says begin with "When I was in the war...", or "When it
was legal to beat-up the immigrants...", or "They should
try a dose of amoebic dysentery, that'd learn them..."
Dribbling old fools the lot of them. I tell you, it would
be a much better place if we locked them all up and threw
away the key (at least that's what my old Grandad used to
tell me).

## thought for the issue with
## rev. doug dogcollar

Some girls do, and some girls don't.
However, the really good girls always charge more.