Safety advice for when you are out this Christmas

* Personal safety:

- Always tell your mummy and daddy where you're going to be, who you're going to be with and whether or not you have clean pants on.

- Try to adapt your route home if there are alleyways or underpasses (unless you are running late, when places like Murder Alley are a perfectly sensible alternative).

- Don't limit your ability to sense trouble, ensure you are bitten by a radioactive spider so you can feel your spidey sense tingle when the bad guys are nearby.

- Consider taking pre-emptive measures, like always carrying napalm or a flame thrower.


* Personal Property

- Keep valuables such as mobile phones and laptops safely hidden whilst out. We suggest you carry a safe with you at all times.

- If you're going out for the night, take enough cash with you for the evening. And also for a plane ticket out of the European city you'll end up in once someone's drugged you and removed one of your kidneys.


* Drinking sensibly

- Never leave your drink unattended: There may be students about and they'll steal it from you.
- Never accept drinks from strangers. It may be snakebite and black.
- Or MD 20/20.
- If you feel unwell, you're a lightweight. Go find an alleyway to spew up in.
- If you fall asleep on the train, expect to have been cavity searched for explosives.


* Beating terrorism together

- Terrorism is a crime. Like not buying a TV licence or paying tax. If you have not done either of these things, you are a terrorist.

- Turn yourself in at the nearest police station. Everything you say/own will be used as evidence against you and it'll jolly serve you right.

- If you want a reduced sentence, turn informer. We'll give you money and a new identity. Just think - you could end up as Hugh Grant**. Or Bill Gates!**


* Safe travelling

- Never let a black cab cross your path.
- Sorry, we mean black cat.
- Always carry the number of a trusted minicab company. SEE OUR ADVERTISERS!!!
- If you are on your own in a minicab, people are looking at you and pointing because you are obviously sad and lonely.


**Some identities not currently available.